Adjustment to full time mommyhood

So I am adjusting to life as a stay at home mom.  I still get up pretty early every day...about 5:30 or so.  Try and grab a cup of coffee, and feed the dogs...and then Olivia is up.  We eat, and play and I do some things around the house, then Olivia takes her morning nap around 8:30.  I grab a shower and get dressed, and we are off for morning erands, park play dates or lunch.  Today we had swimming, and it is so cute to see her and the other babies interact, and figure out what all this water is.  In the afternoon, she takes another nap, and I try to grab one too.  Most days I don't, but it is my goal.  Today the horrific thunderstorms we had shook the house and woke her up...ugh...so we had a bit of a tough afternoon.  It is not easy trying to transition, but I would not miss these awesome moments for anything in the world.  I know I am biased, but I feel like my little girl is the best and cutest thing on the planet. 

It can be a little lonely considering the only word she can say to me is "hi", but the little hand wave that goes along with it...well that is so precious....I don't need any more words.  Plus when the words come....I am sure I will wish I could shut her up! 

Sometimes I think that it is something that anyone can do...raising a baby...and I could work or do something more productive, but then at 6:30 when I sit in the glider and give her a bottle, and she snuggles on my shoulder and relaxes for the night, I realize that this is what life is all about, and it just feels so good.

I am thankful for my wonderful husband, who understands that I need time for myself and gives me that, and for my daughter who has patience for me, as I learn to be a mom. 

My To Do list is forever growing, and I always have things I need to accomplish.  Sometimes I just sit on the couch though, or on the back deck and think that those things can wait.  Stop the rushing, and drink it all in...cause it goes by oh so fast.

Oprah's Ah Ha Moments....

I think we all have moments when things all of a sudden make sense....maybe after reading something profound, having an insightful conversation with a friend, or like me...by watching Oprah.  Since becoming a mother, Oprah has become one of my best friends.  I love her.  I think she is insightful, and has guests on that are meaningful and interesting.  Today her show is about being overweight and having food addiction problems.  The author who was on, wrote Women Food and God.  She explains how people turn to food to mask pain, or fill a void.  Of course.... it never helps the situation.  Obsessions give you something to do, something to focus on....other than having your heart shattered by a feeling. 

It spoke to me because although I do not have a problem with food....other than the occasional Mcdonald's craving..... I have back pain.  Actually various pains.  It moves from my back, to my leg, to my shoulder to my knee...and so on.  A little history here....I have been to every doctor I could find over the years and at times I spent weeks in bed, immobilized.  I was told herniated disks were the cause of my pain.  3 of them to be exact, and that I would need surgery. 

Finally a dear and close personal acquaintance said to me...read this book Healing Back Pain  I think it fits you perfectly.  So I read it...what could it hurt...I was just laying around anyway.  This book was written by the brilliant Dr. Sarno, and it suggests that back pain is another way of masking deep emotional pain.  The pain is caused to divert the mind from thinking about what is bothering you emotionally.  It is real pain, but in short, nothing but a distraction.  Long story short....I devoured all the books he wrote, had about 50% improvement in my pain...but was having trouble breaking through...so I looked up Dr Sarno on-line.  Since he is based out of NYU....I called him...what the hell...and I got an appointment!!  I went through his program and after a few months...I was almost pain free.  I am not sure I will ever 100% be free from the FEAR of the Pain...but now I have the tools to work through it and get rid of it time and time again. 

I am also very susceptible to influence.  Many people do not believe in this and that can make my mind waiver.  Hearing stories of others having pain, and how it disrupts their lives affects me.  Getting upset over something in a relationship...can cause a severe pain out of nowhere.  Today I wound up with a sharp pain in my neck and shoulder.  It only lasted about 2 hours and I was able to will it away by the time Olivia woke up from her nap. 

My transition from Corporate life to Stay at Home mommyhood is all consuming right now.  When my switches overload, and I do not recognize that the surge is coming....BAM....pain...damn it.

I am so happy to watch this Oprah today....God really does give you what you need, when you need it.  We just have to be open to hearing it.  It reminded me that we all have our pain...our food...our drug....the question is, what is it covering up?  That is where the problem lies, and I am so thankful that I know my trigger and have been given to tools to work through my "issues" to become a better, happier, pain free person.  I was reminded that writing helps me every time...it is like my therapy. So I thought, why not here...so I can share it. 

It will be my lifelong battle, but one I intend on winning...every time.

Things to remember while at the gym....

1. That I used to have abs and one day, I may find them again.

2. Do not look at the 50, 60, 70 year old women who are on the treadmill next to me, running at a 6.0 and have a bikini ready body.

3. OK you looked, now stop thinking about how they look better than I did at 25.

4. This is an hour for me. No phones, computers, babies, diapers, dogs, husband, dishes or errands. Embrace that.

5. I am told that the woozy, dizzy feeling after getting off the treadmill goes away after a while...I am still waiting for that to happen...but something to look forward to.

6. Stretching is a necessary evil.

7. No matter what locker I take, in whatever side of the locker room, as soon as I sit down...5 other ladies will need to get into each of the other lockers all around mine. It never fails.

8. This is GOOD FOR ME.

9. I am on a mission to eliminate : the arm flapping, the ass jiggle, the leg wobbles and the very bain of my existence, the belly pouch.

10. I will settle for fitting back in a few of my old jeans.


I keep this picture in my mind....see I did not always have this ass.....

Why Oh Why is This So Hard??

I am trying to share my blog on Facebook. It currently exports to Notes...which is not what I want. When I "share" it in multiple ways....It shares but shows a clip of the blog explanation, and not the current or new post. I want to pull my hair out right now. I am doing an experiment with a new post to see if it works.

If anyone has any suggestions...PLEASE SHARE!

Thanks!

Middle of the night wakings....so worth it....

So Olivia sleeps pretty damn good. Occasionally she will wake in the middle of the night, for a bottle, and wolf it down, then go back to sleep. So last night, she had trouble falling asleep and kept crying, which is very unlike her. When we went in to check on her, her face was all flushed. Since we have been having some unusually warm weather here in NY...today is supposed be 85....her regular feety PJ's were just way too hot. So we put her in a cooler outfit, and put on her ceiling fan, and she went to sleep. For some reason, she woke again at 12:30...so I go in to feed her. It was the most amazing thing....she went from crying....to looking at me....and said "mama". Now she has said "mama" before....but just mumbling it...or saying it over and over. I was never sure if she was using it to identify me....but last night, she did. It was so awesome. I was truly hoping for a "moment" to recognize that she said that beautiful word to me with purpose, and I got it. She did not even want her bottle.....which threw me yet again. So I turned her fan up, and she calmed down. I guess she is just like her "mama"....I can not sleep when I am hot....I always need the ceiling fan to be on. It is funny how these little things can just remind you of how like US they are, even though they are so small.

Later today I am going to post some awesome pictures just to highlight some of our sweet day to day moments that I cherish.

Happy Easter! It is a religious holiday, but one that has turned into really just another family get together. I admit I have been very lax about going to church these past few...oh....years. I do believe in the higher power of God, and Jesus, and all the saints. I pray when I am faced with issues beyond my control and need help, and I am thankful, very thankful for all I have gotten out of my life so far. I know there is someone helping to guide me. I just have a not so warm and fuzzy feeling about the church, and I am sure I am not alone in this. We decided to have our daughter Baptised, and I have dreaded contacting the church. All their questions and formalities just turn me off. But I knew it had to be done, so I just jumped in, and started the calls. Well, there are only 2 Catholic churches in my area. They both have a long list of requirements....ie...the Godparents need to have been Baptised, and had all their other sacraments. If they are married, they must have been married in the Catholic church, no co-habitants allowed, no one divorced, and I think the list went on and on...I just tuned out at that point. I was also told by one church, that because my husband and I were not married in the church, that we would have to validate our marriage. Excuse me...are you telling me my daughter is a bastard??!! Well....we went with the other church...and I registered us as memebers and then filled in all the required paperwork. Our Godparents had to get forms signed by their church with the official church seal, that they are members in good standing. Now, I am supposed to wait for a call within the week to make an appointment with the priest. No one calls....a week later, I call and check...no one knows why they have not called me yet. I wait another week...no call....no one knows why they have not called me yet....but someone will call me tonight or tomorrow. I wait another 4 days...get it....no one calls. OH>>>> it was in the wrong persons "box" but now Easter is coming, we will get to it next week.

This whole process is so annoying. This is just for an appointment so we can meet with a priest who I am sure will ask us questions looking for a way to make us feel un-worthy as Catholics and as human beings.

Oh...did I forget to mention the fact that we got our "envelopes" within 3 days of registering??

I grew up as a Catholic child, went to Catholic School too. Somehow I was able to separate the spiritual essence of religion from the human rhetoric that gets spewed at us as parishioners. I hope that my daughter can do the same, and I want her to grow up with God and with religion, just not with the red tape, and the judgement that unfortunately comes with it.

I have always had good intentions to write things down, or document important events, but I never seem to be able to actually do it. To commit some time for me to gather my scattered thoughts, and reflect. I have always regretted that. Now that I am a mother....time seems to fly by even faster, actually at a rate of speed that just blows my mind. My baby girl is 8 months old now and I have not a clue where the past 8 months have gone. I know there are things that have happened, that in my haze of sleep deprivation, I have already forgotten. Like the smell of a newborn baby, or the feel of her asleep on my shoulder. I am making a new pledge that I will begin to record the inner workings of my heart and mind so that one day, I can look back and smile and/or cry when I remember the feelings that rushed through me. There is something to learn from love, from anger, from feelings of dispair. Some linger and some are fleeting, but we need to acknowledge them in order to learn from them. So here I go on this journey of self-exploration. I hope that if you are reading this, you find something interesting about my life, but if you don't....please feel free to not return. I will not be insulted. I want to do this for myself and for my daughter. Our time here is limited, and we never know when it is going to run out. So this is the begining, and as I hear my little Olivia waking up from her nap (way to freeking soon...ugh) I will save this post and get a bottle ready!